May 2012
jakeforjesus:
How to kill yourself in class using only school supplies - Wikihow
All the war-propaganda, all the screaming and lies and hatred, comes invariably...
– George Orwell (via ebabbar)
nementia
dictionaryofobscuresorrows:
n. the post-distraction effort to recall the reason why you’re feeling particularly anxious or angry or excited, in which you retrace your sequence of thoughts like a kid wandering across the neighborhood gathering the string of a downed kite, which was likely lost in a romantic storm or devoured by that huge carnivorous tree that is Things Your Parents Have Said.
3 tags
Playing With Telemarketers
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.
ME: Is this AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: This is AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?
ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
ME: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: The phone company.
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week.?
AT&T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
ME: Yeah.
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T &T?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family"
thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: click........
T. U. M. B. L. E. R. Long ago, the seven letters...
heyitspj:
Do you ever just feel really sad and lonely and want to cuddle with someone totally platonically but you’re all alone and you have nobody around and you want to cry because that is a very accurate description of my night
Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
– Stephen Fry. [Basically summing up my 4000+ word rant in one sentence.] (via michaeltalbot)
kairosclerosis
dictionaryofobscuresorrows:
n. the moment you realize that you’re currently happy—consciously trying to savor the feeling—which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it’s little more than an aftertaste.
The awkward moment when you shout the wrong answer... →
lulz-time:
Follow this blog, you will love it on your dashboard
tastyboots:
motoroladroid:
what if there was a popular tv show that had a gay character whose entire personality and plot wasn’t based on the fact that they’re gay
You were thinking. It's annoying.: pentha: My... →
pentha:
My favorite deep thought is:
After you die, it is believed that you have 7 minutes of brain activity left inside you, and in the 7 minutes you experience your entire life over, in a kind of dream… Because in a dream time is stretched.
So if this is the case, what if right now…
ravens-nest:
queentimelady:
shercocklocked:
sting-like-a-tracker-jacker:
hazelgustus:
literallysame:
liam-gayne:
when you try your best but you don’t succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need
could it be worse
when you love someone
but it goes to waste
when you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
when you lose something you cannot replace
And...
store guy: /extensively stares at boobs
me: yes, hello, i'm here because my mobile's not working. also if you could please stop looking at my breasts?
store guy: oh my god i wasn't looking at your breasts! - i mean, that, too, but... /slowly unbuttons shirt
me: ... why are you taking your shirt off now
store guy: /dramatically opens shirt to reveal iron man tee
me: /looks down at her captain america tee
store guy: /happy seal-clapping
me: oh my god we match
store guy: if we can't repair your phone, you can be damn sure we'll avenge it!
heavenlyfistoftapiocajustice:
maenen:
quetagi:
superwholockstuckian:
pervyjohn:
coneyinacap:
roughkiss:
ooh-tomato:
shrewdbiscuit:
thumbelangie:
raichuuu:
oh my GOD
japan why
Japan you don’t need this.
Humanity doesn’t need this.
We aren’t ready.
I can’t
For some reason, I felt like I was watching a horror movie or black magic.
but……
why?
holy shit
the noises...
spookyhouse:
fave
When you're in school and you touch a peice of gum... →
lulz-time:
Follow this blog, you will love it on your dashboard
1 tag
sanfran:
rachelayne:
sanfran:
why does all the good stuff in life cost so much
I didn’t know happiness and love had a price
calm down gandhi
(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ~『✧~*KAWAII DESU*~✧』
Angry / Displeased: (*≧m≦*) (>_< )o o( >oo< )┘|}} \(@O@)/ (≧▼≦;) \(〇O〇)/ s(・`ヘ´・;)ゞ(▼へ▼メ)\(`O´θ/ θ\(;¬_¬) ヽ(`⌒´メ)ノ 凸(-0-メ) 凸(`△´+) 凸(`0´)凸 凸(`⌒´メ)凸 \(`0´)/ -`д´- (>人
Apologizing: m(_ _)m m(._.)m m(._.)m (ノ´д`) (シ_ _)シ <(。_。)> m(_ _;;m m(¬0¬)m
Bears: ( ̄(エ) ̄) (。・ω・。) (●`・(エ)・´●) (*ノ・ω・) 川´・ω・`川 ( (ミ´ω`ミ)) ヾ(T(エ)Tヽ) \(・`(ェ)・)/ ⊂(ο・㉨・ο)⊃ (^(エ)^) (^(I)^) ( ̄(エ) ̄)ノ ⊂( ̄(工) ̄)⊃ ⊂(^(工)^)⊃ ⊂(・(ェ)・)⊃ (* ̄(エ) ̄*) ヾ(´(エ)`ノ゙ (/(エ)\) ⊂( ̄(エ) ̄)⊃ “(`(エ)´)ノ (`(エ)´)ノ Ψ( ̄(エ) ̄)Ψ (/-(エ)-\) (´(エ)`) ヽ( ̄(エ) ̄)ノ (/ ̄(エ) ̄)/ ┏((= ̄(エ) ̄=))┛ (● ̄(エ) ̄●) (♥ó㉨ò)ノ♡ ・㉨・ (ó㉨ò)
Cats: (=^・ェ・^=) (=^‥^=) ( =①ω①=) (=^・^=) o(^・x・^)o d(=^・ω・^=)b V(=^・ω・^=)v (=TェT=) (=;ェ;=) (=`ω´=) ヽ(=^・ω・^=)丿 (=^・ω・^)y= \(=^‥^)/'` (^-人-^) ヽ(^‥^=ゞ) (^・ω・^ ) (=^-ω-^=) b(=^‥^=)o (.=^・ェ・^=) (=´∇`=) ヾ(=゚・゚=)ノ ~(=^‥^)ノ ~(=^‥^)/ (=xェx=) (=;ェ;=) (=`ェ´=) (^・o・^)ノ" (^._.^)ノ └(=^‥^=)┐ ='①。①'=
Confused: (´・_・`) (◎_◎;) (`_´)ゞ (◎-◎;) (・_・ヾ ( ̄(エ) ̄)ゞ (-_-)ゞ゛ ('◇')? ヽ(゜Q。)ノ? (´`;) ? 【・ヘ・?】 【・_・?】 ( ・◇・)? (゜-゜) ヾ(´・ ・`。)ノ" 「(゚ペ) ( ?´_ゝ`) o(´^`)o (´−`) ンー (」゚ペ)」 (•ิ_•ิ)? 「(°ヘ°) (。ヘ°) ヽ(゜Q。)ノ? (´`;) ? 〈(゜。゜) (゜。゜) く(^_・)ゝ (^~^;)ゞ
Dancing: ヘ(^_^ヘ) (ノ^_^)ノ o(^^o) (o^^)o (ノ´_ゝ`)ノ ヾ(^ ^ゞ (ノ‥)ノ ( ノ^ω^)ノ゚ ヾ(*´∇`)ノ ヾ(・ω・*)ノ (*ノ´□`)ノ 。(⌒∇⌒。) (。⌒∇⌒)。 〜( ̄▽ ̄〜) (〜 ̄▽ ̄)〜 〜(^∇^〜) (〜^∇^) 〜( ̄△ ̄〜) (〜 ̄△ ̄)〜 ┗(`ー´)┓ ┏(`ー´)┛ ┗(^0^)┓ (^0^)┛ (ノ ̄ー ̄)ノ ヘ( ̄ー ̄ヘ) ヘ( ̄ω ̄ヘ) (ノ ̄ω ̄)ノ ヘ(^o^ヘ)(ノ^o^)ノ ヾ(-_- )ゞ ヾ(@^∇^@)ノ (ノ≧∀≦)ノ \(^ω^\) (ノ゚▽゚)ノ ヽ(゚ー゚*ヽ) ヽ(*゚ー゚*)ノ (ノ*゚ー゚)ノ ヽ(*´Д`*)ノ (o´・_・)っ ヾ(*д*) ヽ(°◇° )ノ ヽ( °◇°)ノ (ノ°ο°)ノ (ノ・o・)ノ ヾ(^^ゞ) ヾ(゚∀゚ゞ) ヽ(´ー`)ノ ヾ(*⌒ヮ⌒*)ゞ 〈( ^.^)ノ ┌(★o☆)┘ └(★o★)┐ ♪(┌・。・)┌
Dead: x_x;) (*_*) (×_×;) (×_×# (#+_+) (+_+) ヾ(×× ) ツ (Ω_Ω) へ(>
Dogs: Uo・ェ・oU ∪・ω・∪ U。・ェ・。U ▽・ω・▽ ▽・w・▽ U^皿^U v・。・V UTェTU (^・(I)・^) U・♀・U o(U・ω・)⊃ (^・x・^) (U・x・U) ▼o・ェ・o▼ U^ェ^U U ̄ー ̄U
┌U・ェ・U┘ └@(・ェ・)@┐ ヾ(●ω●)ノ (〓 ̄(∵エ∵) ̄〓)
Drinking: o口(・∀・ ) (。・・)_且 且_(゚◇゚;)ノ゙ ~旦_(^O^ ) ( ゜Д゜)⊃旦 ( ´・ω・`)_且~ ( ^-^)_旦"" (*^◇^)_旦 (*`▽´)_旦~~ ~(=^‥^)_旦~ (^-^)_日 ~~旦_(・o・;) ( -_-)旦~ (#´ー´)旦 且_(・_・ )
Evil / Sneaky: (・`ω´・) ψ(`∇´)ψ (`ー´) (。・`ω´・。) o(`ω´*)o | `Д´| (`ε´)(σ- `д・´) (`Д´*) (=`〜´=) (メ`ロ´)/ Ψ(`▽´)Ψ (#`∀´)_Ψ (*-`ω´- )人 (ц`ω´ц*) (`∀´)Ψ ψ(*`ー´)ψ Ψ(`◇´)Ψ “ψ(`∇´)ψ
Greetings / Goodbyes: ヾ(^∇^) (^-^*)/ ( ゚▽゚)/ ( ^_^)/ (^o^)/ (^ _ ^)/ ( ´ ▽ ` )ノ (ノ´∀`*)ノ (ヾ(´・ω・`) ☆ミ(o*・ω・)ノ \(^▽^*) (*^▽^)/ ( ̄▽ ̄)ノ ヾ(-_-;)
ヾ( ' - '*) ヾ(@⌒ー⌒@)ノ ~ヾ ^∇^ ~ヾ(^∇^) \( ̄O ̄) (。・ω・)ノ゙ (*^・ェ・)ノ
( ̄∠  ̄ )ノ (* ̄O ̄)ノ ヾ(。´・_●・`。)☆ (/・0・) (ノ^∇^) (,, ・∀・)ノ゛ (。・д・)ノ゙
\(°o°;) (。´∀`)ノ (o´ω`o)ノ ( ・ω・)ノ (。^_・)ノ ( ・_・)ノ \(-o- ) (。-ω-)ノ
\(-_- ) \( ・_・) ヾ(´¬`)ノ ヾ(☆▽☆) (^ Q ^)/゛ ~(^◇^)/ ヘ('◇'、)/ ヘ(°◇、°)ノ
ヘ(°¬°)ノ ヘ(゜Д、゜)ノ ( ゜ρ゜)ノ ー( ´ ▽ ` )ノ
Happy: (●´∀`●) (`・ω・´)” ヽ(;▽;)ノ (*´・v・) (((o(*゚▽゚*)o))) ☆*:.。. o(≧▽≦)o .。.:*☆ (⌒▽⌒)☆ ⊂((・▽・))⊃ (≧∇≦)/ (´・ω・`) (’-’*) ∩( ・ω・)∩ (*≧▽≦)
\(^ ^)/ O(≧∇≦)O ( ´∀`) (^~^) \(@ ̄∇ ̄@)/ (☆^O^☆)
(★^O^★) (☆^ー^☆) (´ω`★) \(T∇T)/ ヽ(*≧ω≦)ノ *(*´∀`*)☆ O(≧▽≦)O ヽ(*⌒∇⌒*)ノ d=(´▽`)=b \(*T▽T*)/ ヽ(‘ ∇‘ )ノ (*^ワ^*) (^Д^)ノ (´∀`) (°◇°;) (゜▽゜;) (/^▽^)/ (ノ´ー`)ノ ヽ(´ー`)ノ ( ^∇^) \( `.∀´)/
(●⌒∇⌒●) o(≧∇≦o) ヽ(`◇´)/ ヽ(*・ω・)ノ (^ω^) 。◕‿◕。 ⊙ω⊙ ⊙△⊙ o (◡‿◡✿) (∩_∩) (•ิ_•ิ) (/•ิ_•ิ)/
Hiding: |・ω・`) ヘ(・_| |−・;) |ω・) |_・)
Kissing: (´ε` )♡ ~(^з^)-☆ |°з°| (_ε_) ('ε') |( ̄3 ̄)| ( ̄ε ̄@) (*^3^)
(´ε`*) (○´3`)ノ (☆´3`) (* ̄з ̄) (づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ (○゜ε^○) (TεT) (-ε- ) (@ーεー@) (*^3^)/~☆ ლ(|||⌒εー|||)ლ
Laughing: (・∀・) ( ´∀`) (⌒▽⌒) (^v^)
Mellow / Whatever: ヽ(´ー`)┌ ┗┐ヽ(′Д、`*)ノ┌┛ ヽ( ´¬`)ノ ┗┃・ ■ ・┃┛ ヾ(´A`)ノ゚
ヽ(・_・;)ノ ヽ(  ̄д ̄;)ノ \(〇_o)/ ヽ(。_°)ノ \(;´□`)/ ヾ(*´ー`)ノ ヽ('ー`)ノ ヽ(ー_ー )ノ (´~`;) ┐('~`;)┌ ヽ(*ω。)ノ (;´・`)> (^~^)
Painful: ☆⌒(>。≪) ☆ ̄(>。☆ ~(>_
Sad / Crying: 。・゚゚・(>д
Scared: (ノдヽ) ヽ(゚Д゚)ノ (/。\) (/_\) (/.\)
Shocked / Surprised: ( ꒪Д꒪)ノ (((( ;°Д°)))) ((((;゜Д゜))) (゜◇゜) ( ̄□ ̄;) ∑(O_O;) \(>o
⊙0⊙ w(°o°)w L(・o・)」 (○o○) (・□・;)
Shy / Embarrassed: ^_^;) (^^ゞ (^^;) (#^.^#) ('-'*) (*^^*) (@´_`@) (⌒_⌒;) (#`ε´#ゞ (*/∇\*) (〃 ̄ω ̄〃ゞ (*´ェ`*) (*´∀`*) (*´_ゝ`) (*´∀`*) (/ω\) (*ノ▽ノ) (*ノωノ) (/。\) (。-_-。)
Singing: ヾ(´□`* )ノ (^O^☆♪ \(^o^)/ (´▽`)ノ♪ "ヽ(´▽`)ノ" ヽ(´▽`;)/♪ ヽ(´・`)ノ ヽ(○´∀`)ノ♪ ヾ(´ρ`)〃 ヾ(´〇`)ノ (´△`)♪ (ノ´▽`)ノ♪
Sleeping / Waking Up: [(--)]zzz (´~`) ヾ(。 ̄□ ̄)ツ ヾ( ̄0 ̄; )ノ ヾ(。 ̄□ ̄)ツ ヾ(。 ̄□ ̄)ツ ヾ( ̄□ ̄;)ノ (。-ω-)zzz (-_-) zzz (∪。∪)。。。zzz
Smug: ー( ̄~ ̄)ξ (`へ´*)ノ ( ̄^ ̄) ( ̄へ ̄) ( ̄~ ̄;) ( ̄ェ ̄;) (-、-) ( ;`ヘ´)
o(´^`)o ( ̄ω ̄;)
Winking: (^_-) (-o⌒) (^_−) (^_-) (^_−)☆ (⌒.−)=★
Worried: (ーー;) ( ;´Д`) (; ̄ェ ̄) ヽ( ̄д ̄;)ノ ( ̄◇ ̄;) ヽ( ̄д ̄;)ノ (−_−;) (~_~;) ((*゜Д゜) (・_-。 ) ⊙﹏⊙ ミ●﹏☉ミ (-'๏_๏'-) (⊙...⊙ ) ( ´△`) (;° ロ°)
ヽ(゜ロ゜;)ノ (°o°;)
Stars / Symbols: ━━☆>^) ☆彡 ★彡 ☆彡 ★彡 ☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆ `*:;,.★ ~☆・:.,;*
Flowers: (◡﹏◡✿) (⊙﹏⊙✿) (◕﹏◕✿) (◕‿◕✿) (◕︿◕✿) (◡‿◡✿) (◡︿◡✿) (⊙‿⊙✿) (⊙︿⊙✿) (⊙△⊙✿) (◡△◡✿) (◕△◕✿) (◠△◠✿) (◕ω◕✿)(⊙ω⊙✿) (◡ω◡✿) (◠ω◠✿) (◠︿◠✿) (◠﹏◠✿) (◠‿◠✿)
KIRA: ★~(◡‿◕✿) ★~(◡﹏◕✿) ★~(◡△◕✿) ★~(◡ω◕✿) ★~(◡︿◕✿) ★~(◡︿⊙✿)
★~(◡ω⊙✿) ★~(◡‿◡✿) ★~(◡‿⊙✿) ★~(◠‿◕✿) ★~(◠︿⊙✿) ★~(◠ω⊙✿) ★~(◠△⊙✿) ★~(◠﹏⊙✿) ★~(◠︿◕✿) ★~(◠ω◕✿) ★~(◠△◕✿) ★~(◠﹏◕✿) ★~(◡︿◡✿) ★~(◡ω◡✿) ★~(◡△◡✿) ★~(◡﹏◡✿)★~(◡︿⊙✿) ★~(◡ω⊙✿) ★~(◡△⊙✿) ★~(◡﹏⊙✿)
SPARKLES!: ✧・゚: *✧・゚:* \(◕﹏◕✿)/ *:・゚✧*:・゚✧ ✧・゚: *✧・゚:* \(◕︿◕✿)/ *:・゚✧*:・゚✧ ✧・゚: *✧・゚:* \(◕‿◕✿)/ *:・゚✧*:・゚✧ ✧・゚: *✧・゚:* \(◕ω◕✿)/ *:・゚✧*:・゚✧ ✧・゚: *✧・゚:* \(◕△◕✿)/ *:・゚✧*:・゚✧
DICKS!: (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ~『✧~*DICKS*~✧』 (ノ◕﹏◕)ノ~『✧~*DICKS*~✧』 (ノ◕︿◕)ノ~『✧~*DICKS*~✧』 (ノ◕‿◕)ノ~『✧~*DICKS*~✧』 (ノ◕ω◕)ノ~『✧~*DICKS*~✧』 (ノ◕△◕)ノ~『✧~*DICKS*~✧』 (ノ⊙ω⊙)ノ~『✧~*BOOBS*~✧』 (ノ⊙ヮ⊙)ノ~『✧~*BOOBS*~✧』
(ノ⊙‿⊙)ノ~『✧~*BOOBS*~✧』
Tableflip!: (ノ°□°)╯彡 ┻━┻ (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻ (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
Okay fine I'll put it back: ┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ)
Assorted desu: ¬_¬
ಠ_ಠ
( ̄。 ̄)~zzz
°٢°
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
ʘ‿ʘ
(°ロ°)☝
ಥ⌣ಥ
(づ。◕‿‿◕。)づ
ヽ(゜∇゜)ノ
(″・ิ_・ิ)っ
(☞゚∀゚)☞
∑(゜Д゜;)
(´・ω・`)
( ;´Д`)
┐('~`;)┌
(*´Д`)ハァハァ
( ゚д゚)
(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*: ・゚✧
(▰˘◡˘▰)
∩(︶▽︶)∩
•ᴥ•
(。・_・。)
Totally saving this for future reference.